wow..I’ve been quiet. Well, that’s not true. I have been anything but. I’ve taken a step back from my writing though, and I know that is not what I want.
April… What a month! My best friend since birth came to visit for a few days. I hadn’t seen her since before the breakdown. Actually, I was supposed to see her almost 2 years ago after she had her first baby and I was breaking down and didn’t realize it yet. I was in NY, I attended a wedding that I almost couldn’t go to out of fear. Fear of nothing. I cried the whole way to Connecticut, falling apart for all to see and I had no idea what was happening to me. I had planned to see my friend and meet her baby and I couldn’t do it. I was terrified. I had no idea why, and I never got to see her or the baby. Her Daughter will be two years old next month, I still haven’t met her. But, nonetheless, my friend came to visit me. She never saw the breakdown. She didn’t hear much about the breakdown either. Having her here was wonderful. I know she enjoyed the Florida weather! We talked about my anxiety, we talked about how I shut down. But, we didn’t focus on that. We had fun. Fun is what I needed.
A week after she left, back to NY, my best friend since 7th grade came to see me. Again, she never saw the breakdown, We talked during sometimes but it took a long time for me to explain exactly what had happened. I even allowed her to read the blog because I wanted her to know everything. We had a great time as well, no anxiety, just quality time and a wonderful visit.
A week following her visit, the husband and I ventured to Philadelphia for a wedding. I didn’t panic on the plane, I didn’t panic at the wedding. It was a great little weekend and it was wonderful feeling to finally feel “present”.
Meanwhile. I was finishing up 3 classes with 3 major projects. I’ll admit I panicked a few times. I avoided, I slept to make the work go away. But, in the end, it all got done.
So, that’s where I have been the past month, and now here we are in May! I am now steadily working 4 days a week, seeing Dr. DBT every Tuesday, attending DBT group every Wednesday.
I can’t say enough how much DBT has taught me about myself. I am able to notice my patterns quicker, calm myself maybe slightly quicker and major melt downs have been few and far between. I can’t tell you the last time I contacted the psych NP for reassurance. I don’t think I am dying everyday. Maybe a few times a week, but It comes and goes and I don’t latch on too long.
In my individual DBT sessions, we are working on the trauma of losing my Mom. I never considered it “trauma”. I never considered it anything. Devastating and something that I am not over after 5 years, but didn’t think “trauma” was the right word. Dr. DBT had me write out a time line of when mom was first diagnosed with Cancer until the day she died. She lived for 2 years after her diagnosis, my written time line is about 6 pages long. So many details I forgot. So much denial I was in that I can only see now. With it being Mother’s day tomorrow, the topic is hard. I still believe she is with me, I know she’s watching and smiling, I know she puts her arms around me when I feel I am falling apart. I am thankful for every minute we had together, though I may have not shown it when I could.
Okay, I didn’t want to get on a Mom tangent- so I am going to stop there.
I hope everyone is having a safe and panic free night. . If some one told me last April I would have done everything I just did this past April I think I would have had tears in my eyes thinking my life was done for and there would be no way. I probably wouldn’t have had it in me to try. Don’t give up. The real you is in there, you’ll come out when you’re ready ❤